So there's mention, over and over, about fatigue in my instructions for recovery. I'm supposed to avoid it by alternating periods of rest with those periods of activity I mentioned yesterday. Except the only way to avoid the fatigue is to sleep, all the time. To not go outside my bedroom, not have a conversation, certainly not think about anything more taxing than whether I want water or, well, more water to drink next.
It's not just physically frustrating to be incapacitated by this -- though I'd just begun to make strides back toward better physical health when I landed in the ER last week. I'll get through the physical recovery, I'll start running again in a month or so and will do some very smart eating to make up for the weeks of so little activity. I know that it'll be slow, but I can do that.
The hardest, most painful part of this is the weeks between now and then, trying desperately to slog through the fatigue that is permeating my brain. On my very best days - pre-surgery - I need some help managing the chemicals that bounce around up there. Adding this debilitating fatigue on top of my already not-so-stellar chemical make-up has made for some really long days. Mentally, I have a very hard time imagining how to get through the stretch of days that are still ahead. I feel empty, useless and in the way. Not to mention the added financial burden of the cost of a major surgery that's my fault. I know, I know -- it's not rational. I'm very aware of that. But it's my reality right now, and there's no how-to for this on my recovery instructions.